10 ways to fight the plants from toxic parents

Few people manage to cope with the fact that their parents were toxic: giperkontroliruyuschimi immensely critics, depreciate, blame the row and use physical or sexual violence. The generated you anxiety can threaten your way of life, even when you're an adult, and no relocation to another country from that will not save. To completely get rid of the ghosts of the past, you need to do serious emotional work, but be sure - will increase by several times after that the quality of your life. We have collected several important steps that should be taken if you are going through because of the "wrong" childhood.

1. Not Goodbye

The council will likely unsettle and annoy you - we have from childhood been taught that it is important to be able to forgive others, to release the situation and forget about it. Forgiveness works not so simple: first of all you should to abandon revenge his parents for all the bad things that they have done to you, and it's a really important thing to do. However, for a long time to translate the insult occurred in the status of the less important it is not necessary. "Forgive and forget" in such a situation, it becomes equivalent to "pretend that nothing has happened." In addition, you can forgive the parents, but instead hate themselves even more - shifting responsibility for their pain to themselves.

According to the therapist Susan Forward, forgiveness is appropriate only in cases where the parents do certain steps to fight against it. If the toxic parent continues to depreciate your problems, deny your feelings and vent their anger - it can hinder the process of your healing through forgiveness.

2. Do not scold yourself for infantilism

There is a certain category of advisers who believe that if you stepped over the threshold of the 18th anniversary, offended already stupid. In fact, in modern society, too few people, grown-up enough to fully lead their lives and get rid of the need for parental approval. Every second quickly leaves her parents' house, but does not leave with him emotionally, so I do not think that you are the black sheep.

3. Define your beliefs

Think about which of these statements do you agree:

• depend on me, whether happy parents
• depend on me whether parents are proud of
• I can not live without my parents
• If I tell my parents the truth about an important part of my life that they do not approve, I'll kill them this
• I should not say or do something that can hurt the feelings of my parents
• is useless to talk with their parents, it's still nowhere lead
• if my parents have changed, I would have been much easier to
• I think that if I could convey to them how much they hurt me, they would behave differently

If you said most of these statements - you are still heavily dependent on their parents, and all your thoughts are irrational and do not correspond to reality. The longer you keep these beliefs, the less likely that you will be able to become an adult and independent person.

Feel your emotions, which you feel, looking at this list. Pay attention to your physical condition - perhaps your body says more than it seems? Often, adult children are "those" parents suffer from headaches and stomach pain, muscle tension, fatigue. They lost appetite or they eat compulsively, insomnia or nausea. One should never underestimate the importance of these symptoms, which may be amplified so that become deadly, turn into a chronic cardiac or gastrointestinal disorders associated with stress disorder.

- therapist Susan Forward

4. Understand what they are responsible for

to place the responsibility for what was happening on your parents. Make a list of what you experienced as a child, and then reformulated it, pronouncing each phrase:

My parents are responsible for the fact that ... (do not create suitable conditions for my studies, beat me, drinking alcohol, inspire false beliefs about my unworthiness, endanger their behavior)

Most likely, you will have to repeat this exercise several times until you stop feeling guilty for the actions of others somewhere in the depths of the soul.

5. Do not justify their actions and do not blame yourself

For children who are experiencing some form of physical violence, taking on the blame for abyuz is a way of survival. The truth is that only your parents are responsible for the fact that they beat you every day because of their bad habits or used other cruel methods of education. They did not solve their problems - whether emotional or financial problems - and took out his anger on you. Even if you want to see their parents as a victim of circumstances, but they are responsible for the fact that in no way changed their lives.

6. Let yourself angry

Allow yourself great emotions: anger, rage, resentment and anger. The fact that this negative emotions, does not mean that they can not be tested, because they make up our humanity. Anger means that you care and that in your life, it's time to change something. Express it: scattered things nakrichit in the photo, talk to close friends about how you incredibly angry at someone.

to increase their physical activity: Add to your schedule more walks, sign up in the gym, start weight training or even run your spring cleaning. Any physical activity stimulates the release of endorphins and increases the pleasure, but the suppression of anger, on the contrary, takes energy from you.

Think about what you're willing to tolerate in a relationship with their parents: if mom allowed to choose for you the clothes in the shop or the father to give advice on relationships?

7. Stick to your own rhythm

If you notice that you find it difficult to maintain a balance, stop for a few days. At the same time, if you notice that deliberately postpone emotional work, because you do not want to experience negative feelings - Set yourself a specific deadline, when you should continue to work on yourself.

8. stated its position

Tell your parents about your thoughts and beliefs that are important for you, and that is absolutely unacceptable. The faster you do it, the better. Do not postpone this step as much as possible to think carefully - this will only increase your anxiety. You're an adult, and therefore can withstand any confrontation, if it comes to your independence. Start simple - try to to answer, not defensively, the phrase bad you lipstick tone. Use simple phrases that do not justify you in the selection:

• You can think what you want.
• I'm sorry you do not agree with my choice.
• I will stay in my opinion.

9. Prepare for answers

Most likely, your cues will be perceived as an attack, and then the toxic parent may again resort to their manipulative tactics.

Advance Imagine the worst case of events: it looks like the face of an angry or frustrated parent as he begins to insult you or to deny any fact. Ask someone from the family to play the role of parents in all the worst manifestation - and told them in the face of what you do not like.

On every possible phrase toxic parents pick them competent answer:

Nothing never was. - If you have something you do not remember, it does not mean that something was not.

It is your fault. - I'm sure you see it that way.

I said / you and I regret what happened. - Thank you for the apology, but that's just the beginning. We need to do a lot more emotional work.

We did everything in our power. - I understand that you were not easy, and I believe that you have caused / and I do not especially harmful, but I want you to understand / and that solved / and your problems at my expense.

After all that we've done for you? - I am very grateful to you for everything, but it does not compensate me abyuz and lost childhood.

How can you do this to me? - I'm sorry, what are you so perceive. I'm sorry that I cause inconvenience, but I'm not going to back away from their own opinions. I, too, suffered a very long time. " The only thing you can say for sure - after this conversation deeds never will not go on as before.

10. Take responsibility for myself

The fact that you lay on the parents' responsibility for their actions - does not mean that you cease to be responsible for its non-constructive behavior. As an adult, you are responsible for the fact that:

• to review the relationship with their parents
• to find the courage to recognize the relationship of childhood and adult life events
• to find the courage to show parents that you feel really
• to find the necessary and adequate resources to cure my inner child
• to become an adult, independent from their parents person

Turf Is your life parental setup?