How to tell children about family problems

After the birth of the problems of children in the pair are no longer only be yours. We investigated whether to hide from the children conflicts with the partner, how to talk with them about problems in the relationship, and how to help your child not to blame themselves for family troubles.

Should I hide from children what you have with a partner is a conflict

Few people used to share the problems of adults with children. It is believed that by hiding from them the financial difficulties or conflicts between family members, we protect them from unnecessary emotions. But, according to the psychologist, Dr. Deborah Roth Ledley, this strategy is often misguided. If it is not a one-time small-scale conflict, but a serious difference of opinion is likely to have a child realizes that the family is not all right.

Over the years of working with children Ledley learned that they are really very perceptive, even at a young age.

When I meet with the parents, they can say: "We fought a lot, but never - in the presence of children," or "We really clashing in our marriage, but children do not know," - says the psychologist. - And then, when I meet with the children alone, they say: "I can hear my parents arguing at night" or "I'm worried that my parents are going to get a divorce."

You can try to protect the child from negative and hide conflict, but, most likely, he will feel it. It is more important not to leave him alone with his hunches and feelings, and it will have to speak frankly.

When and how should talk to children about your conflicts with your partner

Before you decide whether to devote to your children with a partner problem, Dr. Ledley recommends to pay attention to several factors. For example, young children easier to protect against bad information than their elders. Do not think that if a child with a mind does not notice anything, then it is so. It is not always the parents and the child have established quite close contact, so that he could go to tell them about all their experiences.

To assess the scale and duration of the difficulties through which you and your partner are going through. In every family there are difficult times, this is normal, and not all of them, it makes sense to talk to your child. But when it comes to long-standing problems, which also affect your entire family, the children have a right to know the truth.

Try to start with simple things and find out what the child knows and thinks about your quarrel. For example, you could ask, "I think you heard yesterday, as we have with the Pope cursed, you care?"

By asking questions, we move away from self-assured thoughts, we know that he had noticed the child and how it is interpreted. When you realize that he had heard, and as it understood it correctly you can choose what to tell him.

What to do if you can not quarrel in front of the children

Quarrel with the children - a bad habit, but in life more difficult than parenting manuals. Every day you have to deal with a partner of many domestic issues, and there are inevitable disputes and problems. Moreover, not all families have the physical ability to speak in private, for example, when the family lived in two rooms.

According to psychologists, it is important not so much the absence of conflict, but the fact is you are talking to them. As far as you are polite to talk with your partner what language use (for example, there are phrases that are not strictly necessary to say during an argument).

The people may not agree with each other and still speak with respect. Show the children that parents are able to argue, to argue, to be emotional, and then return to the calm, friendly behavior within a reasonable period of time. This will help your child to model good skills for regulating emotions - he sees clearly what is to keep yourself in their hands.

Moreover, children will be less keenly respond to your conflicts, if they know that you resolve the dispute with respect and return to the original emotional state. Ideally, after a quarrel you both should come to the children, to say that, unfortunately, were unable to cope with the emotions, but you still love them and between you it's all right.

How to help your child not to blame themselves for family problems

We are often careless in the discussion of the conflicts in the presence of children. Phrase: "Before the birth of the child was all right," "The family takes a lot of energy," and the like can make children think that they - the cause of your problems.

Try with your partner not to blame each other and do not drag the children in different directions. Reassure the child that what is happening to you, was not his fault and that no conflicts will not change your love for him.